Forgiving Your Partner
Have you found yourself in a situation with your partner that seems unbearable? Perhaps you have been cheated on or lied to. Situations like these can seem almost unforgivable, but what if your heart is still with that person? Are you still very much in love with your partner even though they wronged you? It’s ok and actually normal, but how does one proceed after such things have taken place? I’ll help you out.
So you’ve been lied to or cheated on, but you still have a desire to keep the relationship going. ( And hopefully your partner does too. Make sure that they do before taking this advice because it’s intended for two like minded parties. ) Your ready to proceed with the relationship yet you find yourself feeling angry and resentful because of what happened. You find yourself unable to let go of what has happened. Here are some things you should know first:
1.) Its OK to feel angry, however you will quickly run into more hurdles down the line if your heart still contains anger about the past. This is because our thoughts and emotions affect our actions on a subtle level. ( The Law of Attraction ) Eventually that anger that is inside of you will start to affect your actions and eventually those actions will cause you to push your partner away. Let’s use this example:
Sally Sue has just got back together with Bob Black. They have been a couple for years now, however Sally Sue had found out that Bob Black had been cheating on her with another women. It took two months, but they ended up working out their differences and decided to get back together. Now Bob truly loves Sally regardless of the mistake that he made. In his heart he would do anything for her. Sally deep down knows her man loves her, however can’t seem to shake off the feeling she gets when her mind goes back to the fact that she was cheated on. As time goes on Bob tries to love Sally, and give her the attention she needs. Unfortunately, Sally has started to become very cold. She now constantly gives Bob the cold shoulder and tries to fill her day with tasks in order to not interact with him. She finds herself bitter and unable to trust him. This causes Sally to not open up to Bob emotionally or physically. Bob than ends up feeling deprived and starts to revert back to his old ways again. The cycle repeats itself.
If Sally would have been able to let go she would have been able to love freely. Loving freely would have kept Bob around because all he really wanted was Sally. Ironically, due to where ever she was mentally she was unable to give Bob what he needed. It was actually normal for Bob to then start looking for an emotional & physical outlet elsewhere. If you were to ask me, “Well what should Sally have done? The guy freaking cheated on her!” I would say, “I totally understand a person’s anger and where it comes from. Being angry is ok, and I would rather someone be angry than feel guilty. Because with anger at least SOME change can come into one’s life. However, if you are looking to resume a partnership with anyone, whether it be a business partnership, friendship, or marriage you have to leave your anger at the door. It doesn’t mean you have to condone what they did or be someone’s doormat. It simply means you decide to let the whole subject go and start looking forward. In doing so, you will be able to be totally there for the person as you should in a friendship.” So remember staying mentally in a painful past, will only cause more of that painful past to manifest. There is never any good reason to hold onto negative thoughts. Only unless you want that past to manifest though different, yet similar situations over and over again. ( And no one wants that. ) I know that sounds easier said than done, however the rewards are usually HUGE if you can follow that advice. Think about it. What good is the anger doing for you? Is it really taking you to what you want?
2.) Forgiving and acknowledge yourself is one of the first and biggest steps to forgiving your partner. Sounds crazy right? Actually, you can’t even begin to forgive someone else until you forgive yourself. When you forgive yourself you look at all the aspects that YOU DID that contributed to the outcome you experienced with your mate. If you were to say, “Well- I did nothing wrong! This is all on them!” Then I would say, “Then you aren’t in a place consciously to look at the whole picture.”
Here lets break it down:
People who are lied to a lot by others are people who can’t handle the truth. They might say they can, but when they are told the truth they often times blow up. So they subconsciously attract people who lie, and these people lie, because they feel its unsafe to communicate the truth. ( Partially due to the fact that they were chastised to hard at an early age, but now relive it again with their mates and friends. ) People who get constantly lied to must first accept that they haven’t been handling the truth in a pleasant way, and then it take strides within themselves to make the change. Once they start handling the truth better they will start getting more honesty from the people around them. These lying people start to magically become more honest, simply because of the fact they no longer fear being rejected. I’ve seen this cure pathological liars. Lets take a look at this story:
When Rhonda was a little girl her mother would always beat her for whatever she did wrong. Even when Rhonda was completely honest it was followed with a punishment. Rhonda soon learned that if she would lie she wouldn’t be chastised as hard. When Rhonda become older she found the same thing to be true in her relationship. She would start to lie about the smallest of things, in fear of being rejected by her partner Chris. When Rhonda would open up to Chris about what really happened he would totally blow up. Calling her all sorts of names, and saying other mean things. Chris would often wonder why Rhonda couldn’t be honest with him in the first place. He couldn’t quite get that it was his blow ups that caused her to be fearful of being honest.
Chris had been more understanding, and been able to look more thoroughly at himself he might have been able to get better results. Most couples who find themselves in situations like these never quite get to the root of the issue. Themselves.
People who get cheated on by their partners a lot often times aren’t giving their partners what they really need. These people might think they are giving them what they really need, however its usually what “they think” is best for the person. If they just gave what the person really wanted, than often times they wouldn‘t be cheated on. ( This applies to the person who chronically gets those who cheat on them. )
As you can see we ALWAYS contribute to the outcome of what happens to us in life. Think of it like a math equation. It takes two numbers to equal the sum. If you simply change the number you will change the outcome. People who are unable to look at themselves and see what they are putting out end up being doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. It doesn’t mean you have to feel guilty to learn from your mistakes. All it means is to honestly look at yourself, and then adjust. It really is as simple as that. After you’ve adjusted then move on. If you genuinely stick to it then your outcomes will change.
So in doing all of this, you are pretty much telling yourself, “Ah I understand what I did, and I forgive myself because I just didn’t know. I know I wouldn’t have intentionally done that because why would I want to bring negative outcomes upon myself? Now I understand and now I’m bringing more positive outcomes. I love me!” When you proceed to look at what you’ve done try and proceed with this attitude. It will make it a much smoother process.
3.) Forgiving means simply letting it go. I know I’ve said that before, however it bears repeating. A lot of people think that they are becoming somebody’s doormat if they just forget about the whole subject that caused them so much strife. They end up wanting to really stick it too them. What ends up happening is what was stated before when I talked about Sally Sue and Bob Black. If in your heart you really want to proceed with things than you don’t want to be angry with your mate. Your mate has to become your object of affection to have the love your truly looking for. I don’t care what happened or how bad it feels. Think about what that anger does to you and how it will continue to pollute your relationship and life. It’s ALWAYS better to turn the other cheek and forget about it.
A good way of letting a situation go is to constantly bombard yourself with thoughts of all of the wonderful qualities you like about your mate. If you find your mind constantly wondering to the negative thoughts quickly tell yourself, “Well, I’m looking ahead now, and everything is PERFECT right now.” If you do this enough your mind will eventually embrace what it is your saying. It sometimes takes several times, and it might just take a few. All that matters is that you keep good thoughts in front of you so you can head in that direction.
Furthermore, make it an effort to apply this to anyone, thing or situation in your life that didn’t go quite to your liking. ( That is if its something that still bugs you. ) Take it as an opportunity to do some major house cleaning! ( Soul cleaning I like to call it. ) A lot of good will come to you through forgiveness. A LOT. Many ancient text and biblical scriptures talk about the power of forgiveness. I want you to understand that forgiveness is more about YOU than it is about the thing you are trying to forgive. It allows one to let go of the negative charge and embrace all the love that is waiting on the other side. Like I’ve said before, I know its easier said than done, but I believe you can do it! I hope that deep down we can all keep doing this and the world will continue to become a more peaceful place.
What is this stuff?
