Getting Him / Her to commit to you!
I get asked this question all the time. “Ezra how do I get him/her to commit to me?” I usually ask for a brief synopsis of the situation before I answer, but oftentimes find that the answers to this question are usually extensive. The good news is that these extensive answers can be easy to follow if approached with an open mind, and willingness to get results. As you might have guessed, this following article is going to be fairly long, however the intention is to get you the results your looking for. We are going to take a look at a series of things that are meant to stimulate your mind, and through doing so you can come to your own conclusions and go from there.
Look at action FIRST, and words LAST. Just because someone has not spoken a commitment to you doesn’t mean they aren’t committed to you! I have come to find that 80% of people are looking for their boyfriends/girlfriends to make some kind of verbal commitment as if it will drastically change something after it’s said. While you may experience a temporary high from the reassurance, most likely nothing in terms of action will change. Ironically, most people are already in a committed relationship and don’t even know it. That 80% of people who are looking for some kind of verbal commitment are usually already getting actions from their loved one that say, “I love you deeply, and I’m not going anywhere.”
So than what exactly is the issue?
The issue is that the person who is hungry for the verbal commitment has an inability to see that they are already in the committed relationship they are asking for. Unfortunately most people don’t realize that it’s not the “idea” of the committed relationship they want, but simply the knowing that they will always have someone there. Which are actually two completely different things. If you can look at your loved one’s actions you may end up seeing that you’ve already got the relationship your looking for. (This doesn’t apply to everyone of course, however it applies to a lot.) Usually the verbal commitment will come later down the line. My advice is to just ride it out. For most people it carries a lot of weight to say, “I commit to you.” However it’s way easier just to be committed than to say it.
For further clarification on what happens when someone is unable to see the committed relationship they are already in let’s take a look at this example:
Sally Sue has been seeing Bob Black for about 5 months now. For the most part their communication is good, and they spend a fair amount of time with each other. Bob Black is perfectly content with Sally Sue, and Sally Sue is for the most part pleased as well. However despite how well things are going Sally Sue has this gnawing doubt, “Is he faithful to me? Is he fully committed?” Despite the fact that most of Bob’s time is spent with Sally, and the communication and interaction is there, Sally soon finds herself consumed with doubt, and needing reassurance despite the fact that it’s right in front of her. She than proceeds to ask Bob is he fully committed to her. Bob is then somewhat taken aback from these questions and soon thinks that Sally is being clingy. (When all she needs is some reassurance.) Bob then ends up reacting to Sally’s doubt, and then starts to develop doubts of his own. He starts to think, “Am I going to be swallowed up in the relationship? Will I lose my freedom and fun life?” Now that Bob has his own doubts he then starts to back away from Sally, which actually start to reinforce Sally’s doubts EVEN MORE.
Here is the cycle of doubt:
Sally begins to harbor fears of Bob’s commitment to her. >>>Sally than starts to question Bob>>>Bob begins to feel threatened and begins to have doubts of his own.>>>Bob begins to slowly back off from Sally because of his doubts.>>>Sally’s doubts end up being confirmed, and she begins to doubt even more>>>The process repeats itself over and over again until things get really bad and most likely resulting in a breakup.
As you can see, everything was already fine to begin with. However doubt crept in. When doubt creeps into anything it spells trouble. Sally’s doubt ended up causing her to react with fear, and that reaction ended up infecting Bob with fear. Pretty soon the relationship no longer contained two loving people, but two fearful people. The best thing to do when your doubting is to take a really close look at what’s going on vs. any fears you might have. Really look at all the signs that are telling you that the loved one in question is there for you. If you can’t find anything you can either start visualizing what you want to see happen or just get out of the relationship. If it has ended up getting that bad then the relationship is probably in a toxic place and beyond repair. Besides, if you aren’t getting the signs of affection and commitment to begin with, why would you even want to stay? (Though make sure you really check, because 80% of the people I have worked with already were getting the heavy signs of commitment, but they overlooked it.) So please, by all means make sure you LOOK for action FIRST, and the spoken commitment LAST. Just because he or she has not spoken a commitment to you doesn’t mean they aren’t committed!
Evaluate your views on commitment.
What do you believe commitment to be? Do you think that being in a committed relationship will cause you to lose your freedom or identity? You may be subconsciously blocking yourself from the commitment you’re looking for if so. I’ve come to find that human beings are designed to be freedom-seeking. We love being able to come and go as we please, have the things we like, and be the people we want to be. Instead of thinking that a committed relationship will take those things away, try thinking of it as something that will enhance all of that. If you can start believing that a relationship will enhance your freedom than you will drop some habits that might have been blocking you. (This is assuming that you want a committed relationship since you’re reading this. ) If you’re like many people you may view a committed relationship as “work.” This is also a thought that your mind/soul will not want to embrace. I would suggest entertaining the idea that a committed relationship can be fun. You’ll at least end up opening your mind to it.
Keep yourself centered.
Remember when I used the example of Sally Sue and Bob Black. If Sally had kept her self centered she would not have found herself in the cycle of doubt. Keeping yourself centered is easier than you might think. It’s as simple as noticing when a negative thought has entered your head and saying, “Everything is absolutely fine, and taken care of.” Of course there are other affirmations, but all that matters is you interrupt the thought immediately if something doesn’t make you feel good. If you can simply stay consciously aware you will find it easier and easier to feel at peace with your relationship. When we are at peace with any given subject of our life it tends to start going really well. This is because we enter a positive cycle instead of negative cycle. Just as a person can be infected with negative energy in a relationship, the exact thing can happen with positive energy. So keep this in mind when you find yourself struggling with negative thoughts and emotions. You’ve got nothing to lose to just place your mind on all the things you like about the relationship and what you’d like to see happen.
Always commit to yourself first.
A lot of people have heard this before, but only certain people get what that truly means. Committing to yourself means falling deeply in love with the wonderful person that you are. This isn’t conceit. Conceit is when you think you’re better than someone. That is different from purely loving yourself. If you can go throughout the day throwing yourself wonderful compliments in your head you’ll be blown away at how much more responsive your better half becomes. Try it.
Let go of the past.
Were you hurt in the past? Do you find yourself comparing your current partner to your old one? That can be a hindrance to you especially if you’re looking to find a commitment. If you’re looking at your past hurts you may not be able to see the commitment that is right in front of you. When a person is looking at past hurts they are most likely projecting the cycle of fear we spoke about earlier in the article. A lot of us have been conditioned to learn from our past and that’s fine. Just make sure that after you’ve gotten your lesson that you start dwelling on what it is you’d like to see happen in your life.
Dwell on things that you do like, and things that you’d like to see happen.
This is the last and arguably the most important suggestion I have for you. I always tell my clients that you can only go in the direction that your mind is focused upon. If you’re going to be thinking about your partner make sure you’re thinking of all the things you enjoy about them. If you’d like to start seeing them do something more desirable then make sure you place visualizes in your mind of them doing those more desirable things. I’m sure some of you have heard about the Law of Attraction. Life works in cycles, and has chain reactions based on the thoughts we put out. If you’re putting out positive visualizes and affirmations about your relationship, you will soon start to find yourself in a positive flow. The same can be said if you start doubting. One key note I’d like to make is that you have to stay consistent with your visions and affirmations.
Here are some more suggestions on how to do this:
- Pick a time of day that’s convenient for you to devote to placing positive thoughts and emotion towards what you’d like to see happen in your relationship, and life in general even. It can be as long as 10 minutes or 30 minutes. (Honestly it doesn’t have to be longer than that to achieve great results. Though you may do what feels right to you.)
- Be aware of your mind. If you find yourself dealing with any negative thoughts or feelings during the day, make sure you IMMEDIATELY replace them with an affirmation or visualization. This will get easier with time, and pretty soon you will find the negative energies totally subside. You have to just make sure you stay consistent.
- It’s also easier to do this if your thoughts are pure. Your thoughts become more pure if you simply ask yourself, “What is the most joyful thing I’d like to see happen between us?” You’ll find the answers to this question to become more and more uplifting the more you ask and then answer. After you’ve found satisfactory answers, start visualizing those. You’ll find them to be energizing and a cakewalk to think about.
All in all, committed relationships can be achievable and I hope this article has helped you realize that you can have it too. All it takes sometimes is a few things to be pointed out for us to make a change. Of course this is just the tip of the iceberg; however, this simple advice usually does the trick.
What is this stuff?
